Update?

I went on a church retreat this weekend. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams in some ways. I think I'm coming to a new place in my relationship with God. The past couple of years have really been a struggle spiritually. I've felt so lost, abandoned by God at times.

Do you have deep ropes in your life? Like the things that hold you to something, even when it's illogical. I think of amount of times that I've heard of people falling away from God and just thought, wow, I'll never be like that. Sometimes, I think that is the only thing that has kept me believing Christianity. It's funny, because even in the past few years, I've heard people tell stories about not speaking with God or being angry with Him, and I've thought, "How could they do that?" But I guess I'm finding what it means to be real with God.

I went to church this morning. I didn't really want to. But I did anyway, and I'm glad that I did. The pastor talked about slipping in your faith, and he said sometimes the reason people walk away from God is that they aren't real with him. Instead of seeking out answers and questioning things, their faith takes a hit, and they hide unbelief in their lives while keeping up a Christian facade.

I think I did that. I think I'm discovering what it really means to believe and trust and listen and obey and follow and all those christian words that we use but never know what they really mean. There were things that happened last year and the previous year that stopped my relationship with God in its tracks. There were promises I believed and things I trusted God for that didn't happen, and I really don't know why. It's funny that I think I've just discovered them this weekend, and I'm just beginning to ask God why. I feel so much better than keeping them in and acting Christian.

I don't want to ask in a disrespectful way.

I do know that since that moment, my life really hasn't been the same. And it's taken my brokenness without him to realize how much of a difference a relationship with him makes in my life.

But as the scripture says, "God gives all the chains of disobedience so that he can show mercy to all." And the love and forgiveness he offers make me want to trust him and obey him so much, even though its hard.

I'm sorry to all the people that I've hurt in my self-reliance and brokenness. And I forgive you if you've hurt me, because it's not like I'm not in the exact same boat, learning the exact same things, over and over again. I miss good friends who were close enough to hurt me, because they knew me and who I wanted to be, and the times they hurt me I don't even remember. I simply remember that they knew me and loved me. It's would be stupid to be human and not forgive. Especially the people who you love the most.

That's my blob for today. Sorry if its confusing...