I came to realize that perhaps I should clarify a couple of my previous ramblings. From update #3: By I haven't made a choice yet, I mean that I'm not dead set certain of someone that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. Not even close to being. And maybe you understand why I wish I had forever to get to know someone, because how can you actually know them well enough to determine that?

Knowing God is the only answer to false religion. And you can know Him. Jill Briscoe uses the analogy "God's Front Door" (heaven) and meeting him on the steps. Recently, I'm getting to know Him more than I ever have, and I'm beginning to understand all those Christian things that you never really believe. For example, I talk with God about everything now. He wants to hear right? I've been telling Him about my busy life, friends, and even homework. And there' s just something about prayer that peaces you out for the rest of the day. It gives you the right attitude, peace, and joy.

Religion is good. Except its not God. Why do good? I do good because I've come to know God. He said to me, "Look at his life. Look how unfullfilled he is. Are you happy?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because, I dunno... I trust you. It makes me happy to believe in someone bigger than me. It makes me happy to have a friend that can fix all my problems, who knows me completely."

"Don't you think he'd like that?... You should tell Him"

Knowing God brings me to a place in my life where good isn't just something you should do and evil is something to avoid, it's life. It's the way to live. Good isn't good to be good; it's good because it's the way we would be if the world really was perfect. Grasp that. Doing what God said would bring world peace, perfect love, and a complete life to every person on the planet.

Do you believe God? I don't sometimes. I tell him that too nowadays. It's good to be honest with him. But if you don't really believe what he's saying, you find yourself caught in an endless battle between good and evil, that you never really win. I've been there, and it sucks. And if you learn His heart and learn to trust Him, you find that good is really only love. All the sudden, the battle is over, he's beside you, you're loving people, and everyone's saying, why are you so do good all the time. And you don't even realize that you were.

Update 3

Do you ever feel like you need more time? Or rather, I wish that time would stand still. I'm going to be up all night tomorrow doing homework, and there was nothing I can do about it. I've been struggling a lot lately too with knowing people and knowing God. I wish I had 100 years just to dedicate to the Bible and knowing God. I feel like I'm struggling to find time to decide what to do in life and it's passing me by while I'm doing what I don't want to. In other words, I'm busy, but I don't know if I want to be, and I don't have time to find out if I want to be, because I'm busy. It's endless, and I'm scared of it.

It takes me a long time to get to know people too. I'm slow to open up, slow to learn, and slow to make decisions on who I want to be my friends. There's so many people you can be friends with, and so many who you can spend time with. How do you choose? I mean, I think I could be good friends with about 50 people if I spent as much time with them as I do my closest friends. How should I choose who to spend my time with?

I've come to the conclusion that I want my bestest best friends to push me towards God. If you're going to spend life with me, and if you're going to really love me, you have to push me toward God, because that's who I am (not God, but rather following God is my life).

I've thought about it a lot with marriage too. I want to spend my life with a girl who's life is dedicated to God, so that our life as one flesh is to God. And that's really hard to find. There are a lot of "Christian" girls who have no intention of really doing what God says, nor a soft heart for him. I don't want someone perfect, but simply a girl with a heart that longs for God and a heart that will chase him wherever he leads.

And so I'm waiting, which hopefully will workout ok. (And looking... I'm a guy, I like girls). But if you want to know the secret to my heart, that's it. And I know that God will work everything out for me.

I haven't made a choice at all yet. Simply evaluating the options. And God will lead the way, just like he always does.

Update 2

I used to think that I should hide my life from everyone, that it shouldn't be anyone's business. But I've definitely changed my opinion on that. I want it to be your business, because I'm really lonely when my friends don't know me. I wish I knew how far to ask into my friends lives. Because I really want to help them and care about them.

Update?

I went on a church retreat this weekend. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams in some ways. I think I'm coming to a new place in my relationship with God. The past couple of years have really been a struggle spiritually. I've felt so lost, abandoned by God at times.

Do you have deep ropes in your life? Like the things that hold you to something, even when it's illogical. I think of amount of times that I've heard of people falling away from God and just thought, wow, I'll never be like that. Sometimes, I think that is the only thing that has kept me believing Christianity. It's funny, because even in the past few years, I've heard people tell stories about not speaking with God or being angry with Him, and I've thought, "How could they do that?" But I guess I'm finding what it means to be real with God.

I went to church this morning. I didn't really want to. But I did anyway, and I'm glad that I did. The pastor talked about slipping in your faith, and he said sometimes the reason people walk away from God is that they aren't real with him. Instead of seeking out answers and questioning things, their faith takes a hit, and they hide unbelief in their lives while keeping up a Christian facade.

I think I did that. I think I'm discovering what it really means to believe and trust and listen and obey and follow and all those christian words that we use but never know what they really mean. There were things that happened last year and the previous year that stopped my relationship with God in its tracks. There were promises I believed and things I trusted God for that didn't happen, and I really don't know why. It's funny that I think I've just discovered them this weekend, and I'm just beginning to ask God why. I feel so much better than keeping them in and acting Christian.

I don't want to ask in a disrespectful way.

I do know that since that moment, my life really hasn't been the same. And it's taken my brokenness without him to realize how much of a difference a relationship with him makes in my life.

But as the scripture says, "God gives all the chains of disobedience so that he can show mercy to all." And the love and forgiveness he offers make me want to trust him and obey him so much, even though its hard.

I'm sorry to all the people that I've hurt in my self-reliance and brokenness. And I forgive you if you've hurt me, because it's not like I'm not in the exact same boat, learning the exact same things, over and over again. I miss good friends who were close enough to hurt me, because they knew me and who I wanted to be, and the times they hurt me I don't even remember. I simply remember that they knew me and loved me. It's would be stupid to be human and not forgive. Especially the people who you love the most.

That's my blob for today. Sorry if its confusing...